Voldemort's new Plan!
by BoogiepopReborn
Summary: The Death Eaters get stoned, and devise a plan to create The ultimaMuggle killer of Doom, Ron tries to flirt with Hagrid, and Harry and Snape try to escape the wrath of fangirls trying to pair them up!
1. The Super Muggle Killer of Dooom!

Voldemort's Newest Plan!

By Ellimist

Disclaimer (in Haiku form!)

Ellimist wishes

That she owned Harry potter

But she really don't

Somewhere in Voldemort's Lair:

"Sir! Urgent news, we have just captured a muggle and he seems to know all about us!"

"WHAT?" Voldemort screamed "How could this be? Take me to him right away!"

"Sir!" The random Death Eater replied showing the dark lord to where they were keeping the muggle. "Here he is sir" He said pointing to a hippie lying stoned on the dungeon's floor. But the wizards had no idea that he was flippin crazy, heh heh…

"Tell me foolish muggle how do you know of we wizards!" The Dark Lord snapped pointing his wand at the muggle/

"Dooood!" The stoned replied standing up and started stumbling towards Voldemort "Like, I totally knew that you dudes existed for like forever. But like the man was like keeping me down. Sayin like you wizards don't like exist with like your dark magic. But I told…" He paused to take another inhale from his bong " I sooooooooooo told them but they…they….. Man I love you! Has anyone told you that you have the sexiest eyes?"

Voldemort was furious with this muggle now! Such insolence would not be tolerated! Damn muggles, this one will be exterminated. Yes, so he could not go and spread any more "rumors" to his muggle friends. Now, it was time for a nice evil laugh "Mwahahahhahahah!" Then the other death eaters decided to jump on the band wagon and join. "Shut up you fools!" The dark lord roared "Can't you see that this was a private laugh! Jeez, now make yo' selves useful and get kill this muggle!"

Screams filled the air as Voldemort turned around and was planning his wonderful gloating until…

"Sir!"

"OMFGWTFBBQ! Leave me alone!"

"But sir this is very important! We've seemed to of found the source of that muggles knowledge!" The death eater said holding out the bong

"That smoke must be magic!" Voldemort said grabbing the bong "Call a meeting now Quickly! We shall discuss this"

Thirty minutes later at the Death Eater's conference table….

"Man, what is this stuff?"

"I dunno, but damn it's good!"

"Dood, am I the only one who wants to bang Potter?"

Michael Jackson?"

"Oh come of! You gotta admit he's hot!"

"Silence! Woah colors hee hee hee. I've got a plan! What if we created a muggle, that could like kill other muggles!"

"Holy Shize! That could like work man!"

"I dunno! I'm too stoned to do anything right now! But I love you guys!"

"Eww man! That's not my arm! Get off me!"

And so it started with a simple bong, the "super muggle of DOOOOM to be introduced next chapter! (P.S. Her name's gonna be Ellimist, if someone can tell me which book series that name came from I'll stick you, or your O.C or whatever, in the next chapter! Comments loved!) o


	2. RonxHagrid, hot Stuff!

Wow, I didn't think that I would even update this god-awful thing, but since people actually reviewed it. Here's the second chapter! Wow, this took me a grand total of 20 minutes to write! I'm too lazy to write more about the stoned Death Eaters, so I gave ye a teaser, treasure it masses, treasure it damn it! D

Once more if I owned Harry Potter, I wouldn't be here writing crappy fanfics for it. I would be out on my own damn yacht laughing at you people….I can wish XD

Reviews! Wow, I was amazed that people actually wasted their lives reading this thing XD Anyhoooooooo:

Ripplesong: Guess what? Guess what? You can suck my nuts! Why? Because I said so! Ha! Take that! (Yes, I know her IRL, and yes I am not serious XP)

ThePhantomRoarer: Hey hey hey! First person to guess Ellimist! I'll include you….some time is lazy XP

Salazara: Yup! You got it too! Same as above And I'll update this sucker….sometimes… Really I'm just making this crap up as I type XD

Cliched Oxymoron: Heck yes! RonxHagrid is like the smexxiest pairing ever! Almost as hot as Voldemort and his snake! Mmmm, snake sex XD Your fic is so much better than mine, go update it more damnit!

cues cheesy intro music, and crappy intro Welcome viewers to another episode of Weasely's Gone Wild, winter break edition! In this episode we follow the wild adventures of Ron Weasley during his winter break at Hogwarts. Sexxeh! ends craptastic intro

Leakey Cauldron:

"I've twold joo! I'm not as think you drunk I am!" A very wasted Ron told the bartender, all's he wanted was another Butter Bear! Was that too much to ask! Finally the bar man caved in "Last one!" He said slamming the brew down. "Shankkks buddeh!" Ron said gratefully, then started to cruse for chicks. You know that old saying that the more wasted you are, the better she looks? Well at this state Ron didn't even notice that the dark haired beauty is front of his was…..Well, not what she seemed.

"Heeey sexxeh," Ron said sliding up to the next seat.

"Oh, hullo Ron. I'm really hoping that's a joke" Replied a very disturbed Hagrid (See! I told you Ron was wasted! Ha!)

Not hearing that last part Ron went on with his cheesy attempt to pick up his 'bitch' "Oh ho ho! So you know my name! Well, baby is that a mirror in your pocket?"

Now extremely disturbed Hagrid replied "Eh, a mirror? Yes, it actually is….Why?"

"Cuz I can see myself in your pants! Oh yeah! In bed by eight and home by eleven! Heck yes!" Ron then followed this comment with pelvic thrusts.

"That's enough boy! It's my Hagrid!" The large man yelled fed up with this

"Shut up! You're my bitch, don't sas me!" Ron screamed slapping the half giant.

After this event, people wondered about Hagrid's strange walk and odd whip like bruses. Ron on the other hand….Woke up and was never the same again….

Somewhere in a dark gloomy……area……

"Ittttt liiiiives! Ittttt liiiives!" Cried the stoned Voldemort. "Our muggle killing muggle is finally to start terrorizing themasses!" A huge sillohette emerged from the darkness and uttered it's first sentence "Fooooooooooooood, give me food damn it!"

Wow, amazingly short chapter! Be grateful you got a second chapter! Didn't you mothers teach you chillins anything! Failures! Rejects! Nobody loves you! God, stop reading this and get a job you slacker! Ha ha, D


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